Operation Long Neck

The gap was six metres wide. This was a problem.

The gap sat between Hollow Tree Number Four where the raccoons lived and Hollow Tree Number Five where the raccoons needed to be for reasons that were complicated and involved acorns and a promise and the specific stubbornness of a raccoon called Dot who had said I will get those acorns and intended to mean it.

The raccoons were: Dot. The planner. The one with the notebook. The one who said things like let's think this through and what's our contingency and no that won't work for seventeen reasons which I will now list. Rex. The muscle. Approximately. Rex was not enormously muscular for a raccoon but was extremely confident which in Dot's experience was sometimes better. Pip. The ideas one. Pip had many ideas. Most of them were terrible. Occasionally one was brilliant. The difficulty was knowing which was which before trying it.

They stood at the gap. Looking across it.

"Jump," said Rex. "Six metres," said Dot. Rex looked at the gap. "Jump really fast," said Rex.

Pip raised a paw. "What if we build a bridge?" "Out of what?" said Dot. Pip looked around. "Sticks?" "We'd need —" Dot did the calculation — "approximately four hundred sticks of consistent length and load-bearing capacity and something to bind them and three weeks." "We don't have three weeks," said Pip. "We don't have three weeks," said Dot.

Rex jumped. Got two metres. Came back. "Noted," said Rex.

They sat at the edge of the gap for a long time.

Then Pip looked up. "Gerald," said Pip.

Gerald the giraffe was standing forty metres away eating leaves from the top of a tree the way Gerald always did — with the calm of an animal who had never once needed to cross a gap because Gerald was tall enough to simply step over most things.

Around Gerald's neck: A muffler. Red. Enormous. Six metres long if it was an inch.

The three raccoons looked at the muffler. The muffler was not looking back because mufflers can't look. But if it could have it would have looked slightly nervous.

"We need that muffler," said Dot. "Gerald likes that muffler," said Pip. "Gerald has seventeen mufflers," said Rex. "I've counted." "When did you count Gerald's mufflers?" said Dot. "I count things," said Rex. "It's a hobby."

Dot opened the notebook.

OPERATION LONG NECK Objective: acquire muffler temporarily Target: Gerald Timeline: today Method: TBD

Attempt One: The Direct Approach. Rex walked up to Gerald. "Excuse me Gerald can we borrow your muffler." Gerald looked down. Gerald was very tall. Rex was very not tall. "No," said Gerald. Rex came back. "He said no," said Rex. "I heard," said Dot.

Attempt Two: The Distraction. Pip ran in front of Gerald doing something that was intended to be a distraction and was mostly just confusing. While Pip confused Gerald Dot climbed Gerald's leg. Gerald looked down at Dot. "Hello," said Gerald. "Hello," said Dot. "Can I help you?" "No," said Dot. "You're on my leg." "Yes." "Is this about the muffler?" "No." Gerald waited. "Yes," said Dot. Gerald waited more. Dot climbed back down.

Attempt Three: The Elaborate Disguise. The raccoons stood on each other's shoulders. Pip at the bottom. Rex in the middle. Dot at the top wearing a hat that was supposed to make them look like a tall animal. They approached Gerald. Gerald looked at them. "Hello Pip Rex and Dot," said Gerald. "We are not Pip Rex and Dot," said Dot from under the hat. "We are a completely different animal." "What kind of animal?" said Gerald. A pause. "A tall one," said Dot. Gerald waited. The tower wobbled. Rex sneezed. The tower fell.

They sat on the ground. Dot crossed out Attempt Three in the notebook.

"We should just ask properly," said Pip. Dot and Rex looked at Pip. "We tried that," said Rex. "He said no." "We asked if we could borrow it," said Pip. "We didn't explain why."

A pause.

Dot looked at the notebook. The notebook had three failed attempts and no successful ones. Dot looked at Pip. "That's —" said Dot. "That's the plan."

They went back to Gerald. All three. On the ground. No towers. No disguises. No confusion tactics.

"Gerald," said Dot. "We need to cross the gap to get to Hollow Tree Five. The gap is six metres. Your muffler is six metres. We would like to borrow it for one hour and return it in the same condition we found it or better."

Gerald looked at them. "Why didn't you say that the first time?"

A pause.

"We had a plan," said Rex. "The plan," said Gerald, "involved standing on each other." "It seemed efficient," said Rex. Gerald looked at Rex for a long time. Then unwound the muffler. Six metres of red wool landing in a magnificent heap on the ground.

They laid it across the gap. It reached with thirty centimetres to spare.

They crossed. One by one. The muffler holding steady across the six metres between where they were and where they needed to be.

Dot crossed last. Looked back across the gap. Then at the notebook.

Lesson, wrote Dot. When the plan fails — and the plan will fail — explain the actual problem. Someone might just hand you the solution.

They got the acorns. They returned the muffler. In better condition. Dot had repaired a small loose thread on the way back which seemed like the right thing to do.

Gerald rewound it around his neck. Looked at the three raccoons. "Same time next week?" said Gerald.

The raccoons looked at each other. "We have other gaps," admitted Pip. "I have other mufflers," said Gerald.

This was the beginning of a professional arrangement that suited everyone and confused everyone else in the forest enormously.